Past Prime #24
The Rolling Stones, Bad Company, Jeff Kent & The Black Heart Procession
In these uncertain times some shrewd investors1 have been trading stocks for gold—yes gold. Meanwhile, Super Bowl ads & clickbait headlines indicate that there is a possibly prescient, theoretically reasonable cohort who are betting big on Bitcoin. But here at Past Prime HQ, we bucked the trends & poured our profits into a different kind of coin—1989 Topps Baseball Coins. So while the rest of you are clinging to precious metal & crypto, we will be swimming in cheap but priceless Wade Boggs, George Brett & Don Mattingly collectibles. And while this Substack does not dispense financial advice, let’s just say that you too can participate in a once in a lifetime investment opportunity simply by visiting The Shop.
Speaking of recessions, in this issue we revisit The Rolling Stones' ChatGPT-produced2 swan song, we check out (recent Hall of Fame inductees) Bad Company’s early Nineties death knell & we reflect on the unpopularity of former NL MVP, Jeff Kent, whose triple crown was making Carl Everett3, Milton Bradley4 & Barry Bonds5 all seem charming. And finally, we diagnose should be crypto influencer John Mayer & his better than it has any right to be musical manifesto, “The Search for Everything.”
The Rolling Stones “Hackney Diamonds”
ChatGPT—can you make a song that sounds like “Start Me Up,” but a little faster? OK, thanks. ChatGPT—can you make it a little more Pop? ChatGPT—a little faster please. Can you also make Mick sound like he’s thirty? No—too young. How about forty-five? OK—great. Now — can bring the vocals up & make the beat snap more? Can you isolate Keith’s guitar & raise it up a bit? And can you clip all the highs & lows from the mix? OK, perfect. Now ChatGPT—can you find something Country-ish from “Some Girls” & do the same thing? Then just keep going & let know when you’re finished. Thank you ChatGPT.
Jeff Kent “The Enemy of Your Enemy”
In the winter of 1996, having already been traded twice in his young career, Jeff Kent was traded again—this time to The San Francisco Giants, where he both blossomed & curdled. Alongside the Barry Bonds—the slugging, intentionally walking, video game centerpiece of the club—Kent helped lead the team to six straight winning seasons. Moreover, while in The Bay, Kent averaged thirty home runs with a hundred RBIs & a .300 average year in & out. And yet, to this day, Jeff Kent is perhaps less remembered for his offensive prowess than as Barry Bonds’ most offensive antagonist.
Bad Company “Here Comes Trouble”
Ten years after they’d traded their sublimely gifted lead singer (Paul Rodgers) for Ted Nugent’s former frontman (Brian Howe), Bad Company were in the waning hours of a second sunset. But somehow, three decades later, I find myself more than a little impressed with their final salvo. It's not so much that “Here Comes Trouble” is exceptional—it’s absolutely not. But rather that it is exceptionally good. It is both what I expected—professional, middle of the road, twenty percent softer than Hard Rock—and also a complete surprise—melodic, pleasurable, immaculately recorded songs that locate the exact midpoint between Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” & “Jukebox Hero.”
The Black Heart Procession “Six”
If Hot Snakes embodied the face of post-Hardcore San Diego—molten & unrelenting—Black Heart were the underside—dusky & longing. Pall Jenkins & Tobias Nathaniel made aching nocturnes—hardly Rock songs—better suited for Victorian lockets than iPods or CDs. But after five albums of unopened letters about unrequited loves, “Six” made the turn from noirish black to Hot Topic black. You could read it in the track listing—titles like “Drugs,” “Heaven & Hell” & “Suicide”—and you could see it in the cover design—pagan crosses & “SIX SIX SIX” scrawl. All signs indicated that the carnage was more B-movie horror than emotional distress—that the aesthetic feature had become a shticky bug.
John Mayer “The Search for Everything”
Between “amazing” & “insufferable”—that’s the line Mayer walks. He is preternaturally gifted—as a player, he rivals his heroes, Robert Cray & Eric Clapton. As a composer, his mastery extends far beyond his peers—Maroon 5, Jack Johnson & Jason Mraz. He’s always been tall, dark & handsome. He’s always been a great interview—frequently too great. But it’s the speed & intensity of his amazingness that unnerves. Going from Jennifer Love Hewitt to Jessica Simpson to Minka Kelly to Jennifer Anniston to Taylor Swift to Katy Perry in close succession. Hanging with Dave Chapelle one night & jamming with Bob Weir the next night. Or the same night. Swapping Nikes for Uggs. Wearing shades that are more expensive than his already expensive shoes & watches that are tenfold the cost of either. It’s all amazing. And it’s all insufferable. And, believe me, John Mayer knows it.
Notably my better half.
Actually produced by Andrew Watt, who professionally goes by “Watt,” which sure as heck sounds like the moniker for an AI chatbot.
In addition to denying the historical existence of dinosaurs & the Apollo 11 moon landing, Everett has been arrested at least twice for violent crimes.
One time Roberto Clemente Award nominee, Bradley spent twelve years soiling his way through MLB & was eventually sentenced to thirty-two months in prison for spousal abuse.
The greatest player of his generation, Bonds spent more than two decades struggling to find a teammate or journalist that he could not condescend to.